I always find myself coming back here after long absences. I avoid this like the plague until i can no longer hold out. I have to come and write, I have to get this pain off my chest.
It is as it probably always will be. I miss you. I think about you all day. I think about you all the time. I see flashes of your face in my car when you would look at me and say "baaaby, I luuve you". Those stupid faces you would make... the way you would hold my hand.
How do you say goodbye to the love of your life when you never got to actually say goodbye? HOw do you stop thinking about and missing the one person who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. How do you reconcile your heart over your lover who took their own life?
I have been listening to "bloodflowers" by the cure all day. To me its our "first date" cd. My stupid test... to be playing the cure and seeing if you a. knew it b. liked it c. hated it.... you both knew it and loved it. even the obscure stuff.... I was gone even at that moment. What am i saying... i was gone the first night i spent talking to you.
You just love me. thats the only thing i can say that makes so much sense. you LOVE Me. you arent here but you still love me and i feel that. It just really blows because you arent here to tell me, to show me... to be my best friend. You arent here to tell me how beautiful i am... or to yell at me for being such a priss... you arent there to scare the total shit out of me when i walk by you. you arent here to sit at the box with me and split a pitcher.
I have been really sad lately. I want to get married baby. I want to have this wedding thats beautiful and original, and i want to have a stupid joint bachelor/bachelorette party like carmen and dave (dont ask... its stupid) I want a husband that is as sick and twisted as i... someone to share all the great AND all the dark things.... I want to marry YOU. I want to have a family with YOU and I cant.
I miss you chad. I just miss you so much.
I want to see you again.
I just miss you

I just got home from a very long weekend. I want to keep this simple as i have so much going on in my head right now. Saturday I left at 7pm to head to Nville to have "girls night in" with the girls. We sat and drank vodka, watched the kings of comedy and basically bullshitted for a long time. Jump-off #1 as jen calls him (D) has said that he is dating a woman in his town and that he feels guilty for dating me too without her knowing. basically its not going to work... which is fine. i do have feelings for him, but im not dealing with that shit now. WELL i have jump-off #2. L is someone that i kinda hooked up with almost 2 years ago.... and we just recently got back in touch. we both are serious freaks and needed some fun. My friends would not let me meet him for a drink after i had been with them.. SO he came to the house... we proceeded to have sex in the guest bedroom. VERY FUN. I have turned to sex and attention to feel alive at this point... the pleasure numbs the pain of chad being gone. I dont have pretense that this is love or anything more than fulfilling a need. I hate myself for doing this but at the same time... i truly dont give a fuck.... Chad left me to deal with this loss and pain and i will do whatever i need to to take care of me. L hung around... the friends loved him and then he left. my friends are the most awesome in the world because they dont judge... they love and accept. They understand i am trying to find myself again.
D proceeds to text me not 15 min later talking about watching this girl dance at the bar he was in, and how he wished i was there to make her look like shit. I was bitter because i wanted to fall asleep with him but that wasnt going to happen.
the girls and i stayed up all night... leaving Sabrina's house at 11am and then going to korina's.  we sat at korinas, took showers etc... and talked some more... THEN... cantrell calls.
There is a huge backstory to cantrell. huge. i will have to go into detail later... but suffice to say that since his sister had a baby he has drastically changed from a commitment phobe to wanting to make his life complete and start a family. he has asked me out on a date... and called today to take me out to lunch. i was in shorts and tee and didnt have clean clothes so he came to the house. He held me and rubbed my back... kissed my forehead... we are very affectionate... he takes care of me... he sat and talked to us for an hour or so and then left. Something is there between us. always has been. a very good emotional bond and a great sexual one too. I am not sure what is happening. I dont know if this is going to turn into a dating thing or if this is going to stay along the line of lovers... who knows... i just know it was so good to see him. it was good to be held.  we are throwing him a birthday party next friday and i will see him then. he wants me to stay the night... wants to take me out on the town... and the next weekend we are going to the melting pot (fab restaurant) and out again... I somewhat feel guilty for feeling the way i do about him and just 6-7 hors before having sex with someone else... but i guess that goes alot of ways... I love chad.. he was the love of my life.. and yet i just fucked someone else... I am a mess. To say the least.
Cantrell looks at me differently. very warm.. he always has been.. but its more intimate, more caring... its odd... i just really have no idea what the fuck is going on. even Korina and Linda were like" you and cantrell were awful cozy and cuddly today"  the know we have spent alot of time together in the past and that i had strong feelings for him... I told them that i didnt know exactly what was going on... that he had asked me out last weekend and i wasnt sure what was up with him. Linda's exact words were..."he's looking for a baby's mamma"
Something with him would be welcome. comforting because he is an amazing man... but at the same time... it could be nothing. just our old patterns... we miss eachother alot and when we go for long periods without hanging out we get very clingy. I dont know.
I was thinking about it on the way home and very hard... when i had an epiphany that hits me all the time... reality check if you will. Cantrell is a great guy... but he isnt chad. No relationship is going to stack up to that. Cantrell couldnt love me like chad does. SO it really doesnt matter anyway.
I miss October. I thought about her for the first time ina long time today. She was so tiny. Just a baby and the cutest kitten i had ever seen. I wanted so badly to save her... and she died.. halloween. i am dealing with alot of guilt over her death. she was in a blanket and heating pad to keep her warm and while i dozed... (i set my alarm for every 2 hrs to wake up and feed her and check on her).... at 4am she cried reallypitful and while iwas asleep she crawled out of the blanket and got cold. she gave up. she died in my hands. If i had stayed awake maybe i could have saved her. I didnt want her to die. Is it my fault? The parallels between october and chad are scary... if i had known, if i hadnt been asleep when he called at 1030 maybe i could have known he was going to kill himself and i could have saved the love of my life... i just feel like its all my fault. I let both of them down.. I miss them both so badly. i thought october was my way of saving something. but i lost. i lost both of them. I really am not worth anything anymore.
I am sleeping around... I am doing really stupid things and making bad choices. I cant save my boyfriend or a kitten and  i just hurt.

Its moments like this when it is hard to go on.
I am engrossed in you chad. You are everywhere I turn, every day has become that longing for you again. I did so well in running from you, from our memories, from our love... and now you are all I want. You are all i have wanted this whole time but have been trying to ignore the loss.
I brought out your afghan today, the one your mother made for you and then gave to me the day you died. It has been in storage in our attic since i came home. the thought of sleeping that close to something that smelled like you would have been too much. Chad, I picked up the blanket and you were THERE. It smells just like your room, just like you after work... my whole room smells of you now... i sleep with your pillow too. Chad I miss you SO bad. I LOVE YOU. Nothing that happens in the world now will ever be the same... no one will ever be you. no one will ever make me feel the way you do. There is so much going on in my life right now... so many things i am trying to figure out. I have started dating someone and we slept together last night. It was amazing, he makes me feel like a WOMAN... beautiful and special... so many things he does... but chad even with all of that... feeling like a woman for the first time will never be what I was when i was your girl. No one is going to love me like that, and im not going to be able to love like that again.
little snippets of our time together sneak up on me everday. things that make me smile, or laugh, or cry. Mostly cry.
I think of Day alot. Every little blond girl i see anywhere makes me think... IS THAT DAY??? can i hug her? Chad I miss her SO badly... I just want to hold her... to hug her. I want you back, i want our life back, i want our sundays together, and our weekends spent taking care of day or shopping or me waiting to get to you. I miss the ride home from work where i knew in an hour i would see you! I miss the calls during the day. I miss the anticipation of just getting to hug you. I miss the knowing that I had something special. I miss feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. I miss us.
Why do i have good days and why do days like today come back? Why do i just want to die, just to not wake up here, but to wake up with you?
Why didnt i see what you were going to do? Why didnt I make you KNOW how much i loved you that night... ithought you knew.. I DID... Why did i freak out when shannon came home and i helped her clean while you were sitting there knowing we were spending our last minutes together? WHY DIDNT YOU GRAB ME AND HOLD ME CLOSE AND NOT LET GO???? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME??? 
Im lonely and sad and scared and i need you... I just need you and you left.
Why would you leave people you love... i would have gone too... I just need to be with you again. If i could be with you i would be okay. If i could hug you, and sit with you at the box, if i could hold you close in the rain again... if i could just go back to that sunday and beg you to stay.

Its friday (woo hoo)
Well, in my last blog I talked about a jerk that obviously wasnt interested. well i was wrong.
I didnt e-mail him that day and the next i come home and there is this mail starting out " You didnt write me... SO, does that mean IM your stalker now?"  No, it doesnt make you my stalker, it makes you someone who wants to see me too. Of course he writes a long e-mail just like we always do telling me all sorts of things... we have these involved conversations while talking about nothing at all =) in e-mails... well at the end he says he was thinking about friday and wondering if i was free because he wanted to go out.
Well of COURSE i said yes and started to make plans with him because he is FUN. I have spent alot of time thinking and realize what i said to him is true... Im too messed up to have complications, but want to have fun, but at the same time someone who cares for me and isnt going to let me down. I just want to go with the flow and have fun with him. I know tonight that we will.
I have had this conversation and dialogue in my head for the last few days about my stance on sleeping with him. I WANT TO MORE THAN ANYTHING... it has been a while since i have had sober sex (and it has been literally since the last time Chad and I made love) and I WANT HIM. We have plans tonight to go out, do dinner etc... but we got a hotel room. He lives and hour away from nashville and so do I... so its a logical step... but one that is a double edged sword. I would be able to be a good girl, and stop things before they went too far if we didnt have a room and i had to go home, but at the same time i want to be bad... so i think we know who will win. Most girls keep up this game of not sleeping with someone you want to (and want to stay monogamous with) because its too early and you want to hook them. its something that you really have to consider because while guys say they wont date a girl they sleep with on the first date.... the do it anyway and its okay for them... bullshit... so i say in this situation i am going to be straight with myself and just do what i really want to do... and he can make up his mind from there. I am not looking to tie him down in some serious relationship, i just really would like to date someone and be able to sleep with them too without it being a "fuck buddy"
AND I know he has alot on his mind and i think it would be cool to have a somewhat serious converation tonight... we always talk about cool things, but getting to know a little bit deeper about him would be nice... and vice versa. There are things i want to tell him about Chad. I know that sounds stupid, but because of his divorce hes hurting too, and it seems like sharing stories help. Now lord knows i dont want to totally spill my guts because that wouldbe grotesque... but hey a girl needs to vent right?
NOT TO MENTION that i am going NUTS wanting to buy a new car. Mine is paid off and has been for 2 years (and its a 98... go me) but i am going to be making a bit more and would be able to afford it... I really really really want a Lexus is300 in the reflex yellow.... black leather interior... BUT its going to run me about a 400 car payment every month... while at the same time, if i buy a brand new acura nsx it will be more like 325... hey, thats coctails during the week difference *haha*... BUT i have to wait... (always a catch) and you always catch car fever before it is feasible... I need to wait 1. for my tax return 2. for my insurance to need to be renewed in may for this car... dont want to have to wait for a rebate/prorate. AND it will give me a bit of time to save some money for a big down payment ,lowering my payments even further.
ADD this on top of boy-central and its just ASKING for a new syndrome.... female psycho stupidity baldness.... OR  FPSB syndrome.... I am going to totally corner the market on that one... good lord. I give up..
On a better note, i am not crying today, im not being psycho, and i am in a fairly good mood... so here I come..
OH and it doesnt hurt that I am probably going to get some really good booty tonight (and hopefully tomorrow morning)

Its amazing how everything can change in a day, even in an hour.
I havent even looked at my last post but i know it was full of optimism and flowers and kitties.(*gag*)
I havent found someone, I havent even found myself at this point.
Dave was a man who has no idea what he wants and is chicken because of a divorce. I understand that he has issues, but he seems just like anyother guy i have dated since high school... they get extremely gung ho, love to be around you... live for you affection and then a couple of days later its done. he says that he never does second and especially not third dates because women always like him TOO QUICK and he' not ready for all that... okay, WHAT THE FUCK. I wasnt trying to marry him (he says that wasnt directed at me) I wanted to hang with him because he was fun, and because the chemistry was great. I realize that maybe I AM looking to fill the space that CHad left. I AM lonely, and I miss how he used to hold me, hold my hand, tell me he loved me like 10 times a day... it was nice, no it was great... and now i just want someone to appreciate me and make me feel better.
FUCK YOU chad for leaving me to deal with dating again, that issue was taken care of with you, i didnt ever have to worry about it again. I had someone who did exactly the things i needed. You called every morning and every night before i went to sleep, even if you had just left my house. you would call through the day and tell me how it was going... if you had something dangerous to do (like swing from the roof, you dumbass) you would tell me before and even put on that saftey harness even though you didn want to. I could call you whenever i wanted to check on you and tell you that i love you and not feel strange about it. you called when you said you would call. most importantly you LOVED ME NOT INSPITE OF MY SHORTCOMINGS, BUT BECAUSE OF THEM. It was unconditional.
Now i am left with a whole that you had filled, i am left with insecurites, with nothing.
I am doing the whole internet dating thing and it sucks... I dont want to go to clubs anymore in hopes of a hot guy because all they want is a one night stand, and believe me, if the sex is good i want it WAY more than once. Part of me is considering just going all out ho and sleeping with whomever i want. =) but at the same time, what good is sex without love?
I am talking to a couple of guys online that i am pretty attracted to, one is coming up from birmingham this weekend for dinner and going out afterwards... he is UNBELIVEABLY HOT... like you have no fucking idea how hot so there is always a consideration... i dont know... i think i am just really and truly pissed off about the whole david situation because we hit it off so well and now he is being a pussy (and i would have totally fucked him until i broke him)... oh well.
so is my life at the moment, work, internet and thinking about sex all the fucking time. YAY. GO ME

I am waking up inside.
Today has been strange. It has been 3 months and nineteen days since chad killed himself. It feels like an eternity longer. In this time i havent really felt lonely unless it was lonely for him. I havent missed relationships or that closeness unless it was missing that from HIM.
I met someone.
I have been fighting this amazing sense of guilt for my ability to block out and avoid what has been happening. SInce talking to Jennifer I realize that I am doing this as a safety mechanism, but the fact that i dont cry everyday anymore the fact that i try and make it through everyday living. I feel SO much guilt for that because I love chad so fiercely.He was the love of my life and i am trying to move on, isnt that wrong? Part of me knows it is not and the other part feels it is. I have only been sad for the loss of chad, for the loss of our love, for the loss of the relationship that made me SO happy. The thought of loving again, or living again hasnt even been in my head.
until now.
It has hit me like a ton of bricks. suddenly.
About 2 weeks ago i put in a personals ad on yahoo... (yeah, i know the whole internet dating thing is ridiculous... and i never expect to actually meet anyone... i really was just looking for affirmation from guys that i was still desireable...that and friends to hang out with)
SOmeone contacted me.... he wrote things that clicked with what i want.... very together, very beautiful... he is educated and mannered and lovely. We spoke a bit for about 2 weeks actually and decided to go to Zanie's last night for a comedy show. I was expecting to think he was unnatractive, a brute or bore or what usually happens... and to my surprise it was the opposite. We had a great time... we talked of politics, and the election, of dating, current events and eventually sex (of course... thats how it always goes with me... ;)
When i kissed him my heart stopped. he is very much like me and second dates dont come easily... and thirds almost never happen.
The scary fact is that i WANT to see him again. He writes such great e=-mails and his conversation is just as good. we have good chemistry. I am really scared. This is the first time that I have REALLY REALLY kissed someone since chad and meant it. the first time that i would want to go out on a DATE, that i would want something down the road.... I AM SCARED AS HELL....
He is recently divorced and likes being single but would rather be married. He lives about an hour and a half away... it is quite a distance... How could this work in the real world?

I havent posted in Road 2 Healing survivors group in a while.. but I have been e-mailing Amy. Amy is an awsome girl, you would really like her. She lives in cleveland and has a little boy by Ryan, her boyfriend who committed suicide. She jumped right into a relationship with her ex before ryan about 2 weeks after his death.She is feeling really trapped right now with wanting to end the relationship because she just needs time to heal and focus on missing ryan. She really validated alot of the mixed emotions i have been having since you left. I also got a letter from Pat the woman who moderates the group explaining alot of the reactions and things that happen when people grieve. I realized that it is normal that i am blocking you out and i am in shock. its really weird the way things are going. its like i am detached from all normal human emotions... you know how emotional and loving i was with you, i was easily hurt, angered easily and loved freely and now i am this automaton. its odd, but right now i realize it is what i am doing to survive. i look back on my past blogs and see how i was so engulfed and in the pain that i was about to do something really bad. i would have killed myself had i stayed where i was. right now this is what i am doing for self preservation.
I have been actively looking for male companionship. i havent figured out if i am just looking for sex or for attention. I make it clear that my boyfriend just died 3 months ago and that i am in a really odd place ... that i am not looking for a fuck buddy nor a boyfriend. its wierd, but somehow it keeps me occupied. This guy named kevin is taking me to dinner at virago and then dancing on friday. i think he thinks it is a date but i know that he is TOTALLY using it to get into my pants. he can try. who cares. if he is cute who knows, could let him spoil me and use him. good lord, i soundawful.
i worked my ass off last week and now the fruits are being reaped. don sees that i have been on the ball, things are totally caught up here, we just got paid one of our bad debts and i have time to breathe. its nice.
My uncle is a total case. He is in the middle of a divorce with the evil bitch Jami (she is JUST LIKE MARNEE baby!!! its fucking scary... i was scared that she was going to kill stevie just like marnee ruined you) the family is treating her with kid gloves because they dont want her to take Jakey bug away, but i say fuck her.. she is already fucking a married man and doesnt really want jake anyway, she is just using that as a tactic against stevie... she called last night and said she had to go to walmart and could stevie please come over and watch jake... why couldnt she just take jake? *answer, because she was out fucking JR knight) what a loser.
ALright, my hands are sore from typing. I am going to end this.
I miss you baby. I am using your cell phone right now until i buy a new one and iw as going through your call list and saw that i was the last number you ever dialed. I cried.
Watch over me...

I just returned from dinner with my mother and her best friend. Dinner with those two is a total adventure.They both talk at about a 50 decible level and smoke like freight trains. yeah, fun.
I spent quite a bit of time earlier today writing a blog. My goal is to write more often and spend less space on each blog... but i always seem to have way more to say and to spell out than i first intended.
Today was a doozy. Work is about to ruin me, but it keeps me really busy and I dont have much time to think about you  and miss you. (i always do anyway.. but the tears dont come when i am busy) I am now in the process of moving all our files and paid bills from 2003 into the back room filing and making new folders for all 7 companies. it is much more work intensive than i first estimated. Oh well, work is work and the pay is needed for my new Louis Vuitton bag and Dolce and Gabbana corset.

I am really tired and have been sleeping alot more than usual the last 2 days. I dont dream at night. I keep hoping that I will dream about you, that you will come to me from heaven and just let me see you... but it hasnt happened.maybe im not ready for it... i dont know.

I have checked my e-mail, listened to the music that i wanted to hear and now i am thinking of just kicking it off and going to bed early.

Good night Chad.

Love you

Another day passes.
My life has become surreal in my eyes. I live in this little mini-movie made for sci-fi tv but got sold to lifetime somewhere along the way. Fucked up combination, I know.
I look back on my life, on the people that I have been... the girls, the sluts, the hard-core i-can-do-it-myself chick, the flirt, the artist, the actor,the dancer, the lover... all of these people that I have tried on for size. How do we do it? I never realized I was such a chameleon, a shape-shifter.... never really being who I truly was until Chad came along. I had to reach the age of 26 before I found a comfortable skin. What do you do when one person gets to see who you REALLY are... bad, good, scary, pyscho, amazing.... what do you do when you finally find that skin, and find that person that LOVES that skin and accepts it as YOU and then they die? I havent figured out if I became that person first to "catch" him, or if through his eyes I found what I really was.
I think being around him made me comfortable, I think that i was finally safe to be exactly who i needed to be and he loved it. I think that is what happened. I could get mad over really stupid shit, I could be jealous, i could be totally loving and accepting of things in his past that others would have told me to leave him for. You finally find that fit... that person that you know will be in your life until death do you part... that person that isnt a psycho love, that person that you know is "the one" because its just right. you find it and then he kills himself.WHAT???? what the FUCK???? noooooo, that shit doesnt happen, right? well you know what... it DOES happen. I have had to accept the fact that it DID happen. That he isnt just on his trip to Shropshire with his band and I wasnt able to go with. I have to accept the fact that i didnt just move to another town to work for a bit and will be coming home to our home together soon. I have to accept the fact that i will never be able to see his daughter again as long as Marnee keeps her from me.

I come back after a long break.
These things called holidays are no longer a source of joy for me. I did my best to stay away from thoughts of you. Didnt work of course, but I tried. Thanksgiving has come and gone, along with christmas and new years and i am still here. I didnt call your parents OR your brother over the holidays... iwant to wait until they totally pass and i can call for no specific reason.
It has killed me not to be able to see Day. I know that Marnee would never let me call or talk to her so i dont even try.
I have not been regular on my meds and sleeping is becoming difficult again. I have been drinking too much and have been constantly sick to my stomach. Puking is becoming a common occurence.
At Jen's house before everyone arrived for new years she made a toast to you. We wished you would have been there with all of us. I got to show your pictures to Greg. He wanted to see what you looked like and was proud that I had such a hot boyfriend. ;)
Life has been like a movie. I feel underwater all the time, everything happens in slo-mo. I really am lost.
I dont even have the will to write in this journal.
I miss driving to your house.
I miss looking over at you to check on you and catching you looking at me. I miss the bites and the kisses.
I miss carting Day all over the mall and finding cute clothes i wanted to dress her in. I miss knowing that I had you to come home to.
I am looking for kitties to adopt when i move into my apartment. I will be moving in late feb or early march. I am not moving in with Ken. I need to be alone. I found a two bedroom apartment that is perfect. Work is hard. I make mistakes often but i am trying. I have no accounting experience and am thrust into the work, but i will catch on.
I havent been able to keep up with much in my head lately. I lose my keys, i lock myself out of the office and i have lost my phone. I cant remember names or dates... your death has placed me into a category with someone with alzheimer's.
I am still losing weight. Not being able to really keep down any food is making eating difficult.
I spent the holidays with no one. my family isnt very happy with me... they are ashamed that you killed yourself. I got alot of things, but this year they just dont really mean anything or make me excited. I would love to move to nashville,dye my hair black, cover myself with brands, and tattoos and piercings and speak of death. I am pretty much black inside. I drink, or hide or get angry to make myself feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING but missing you. There are moments when i feel like i am okay. i know that i feel empty, like a shell, but not sad... and i feel guilty for those moments, and then out of the blue i fall through the cracks and become nothing.
I remain hopeful that one day i will be human again. one day i will be able to live and love the time i had with you and know that there are more good times to come. right now i intellectually know it could be possible, but my heart knows differently.
I am alone, baby. I dont need ken anymore. he is too different a person from me. i am through. i cannot help him anymore either. i am empty and useless inside and will only hurt him. my usefulness to him has run out and he is better off finding a true friend as i dont have anything left to give.