Sometimes it is if I just disappear from the face of the earth.
I think i fell in a tiny hobbit hole and disappeared for a bit (i was visiting with Saddam if you must know, trying to hit him up for about 20 G's of that 750,000 he was holding, HEY i want a new Dolce and Gabbana corset dress....he could have SHARED!!)
I now am sitting at work freezing to death. I have the heat up to 72 right now in the office and my hands are still numb and i am shivering. SUCKS
I have alot to tell you. Tons but dont really feel like peeling away that onion skin and getting to the heart of it all.too painful and like cutting onions, too many tears.
I have done some really fucked up things since I last wrote you. First and foremost, I made out with Matt. YES, your best friend. my BROTHER. I still am in shock at what i have done, what WE have done, but at the same time I am at peace with it.
I went down on wednesday to pack u psome of my things from the apartment and decided to go to the box to have a beer with PJ and matt, and lora met us there too. Drank wayyy too much and puked, with lora cleaning up my mess in the bathroom... yummy huh? we all talked, and laughed and reminisced... it was really nice.then something happened. i am not sure what really happened to be honest with you. i dont know how we ended up kissing for the first time, but it happened and it happened fast.i dont quite know why or how but i have my ideas.

I seriously have issues.
Of course I have been drinking like a madwoman lately. its not that much different from when you and I were going to the Box all the time and splitting a pitcher of killians... but i still am doing it. this weekend i went nuts. friday night i had alot of fun, danced ALL night... actually had guys crawling over me (one offered me a gig ... NOT as a stripper) but of course, i wasnt looking. it was nice to have the attention though. Ken and I got in about 330. mom was up but we werent drunk so she didnt care. I slept all day saturday and got up around 1. lounged around the house watching tv etc... and then decided to go out on saturday. same thing again. imagine that
some things happened yesterday that i dont really want to talk about. in time i will be able to  but rightnow i am still dealing with alot of guilt and shame. its not like i fucked a leader of a foreign country or killed a kitten or anything, but  i still am dealin with some stuff... and chad, i know you are up there and watching over me, but i dont want to put it into words.

it has been a long time since i have written.
this really really sucks. bad.
It is really starting to hit that this is going to change what is left of my life forever! I am just so lonely without you and my best friend is gone! I dont have you to listen to me bitch. I dont have you to hug and love and snuggle with.
thanksgiving has come and gone and i hated it. I didnt go to bob's house, i just couldnt make it... i didnt feel good and the thought of being in your house hurt wayyyy too badly.  I stayed at home and watched movies, and then went to mamma ann;s for the family dinner. BIG BIG BIG mistake.
I walk in the door and Pam starts in. now first chad, let me tell you about pam. she married my uncle several years ago and is a total controlling hypochondriac. she now is complaining of back pain and is now on MORPHINE and shots in her back... she has become a TOTAL junkie. she acts psycho and is very unpredictable. i walk in the door and she starts telling me how she has written me off from the family because i have not replied to her e-mail.. then telling me how for the first time since i was twelve i didnt look like a freak!!!! complaining about my hair, my clothes, how i dont stay in touch and THEN she goes to say... "whats up with the Bling Bling" (talking about the C i wear around my neck in memory of you) I proceeded to tell her the C stood for Chad, MY BOYFRIEND THAT DIED>... she then looks at me and then goes.... "oh, whatever"!!!!! I stood up and walked out of the room, into the kitchen with mamma ann telling her that i was going to punch pam. I am not going back for christmas. I love MA with all my heart, and i know it will kill her, but i will not be in that house with her there. even susianne has become pam. she actually looks at me when we are sitting for dinner and says... "we didnt make a place for you. you cant sit at the table... Chad, she is 10!!!!!!!" they ALWAYS used to FIGHT over who i sat next to and now she wont even look at me. I LOST it!! i went screaming and crying into the den and ate in the living room while everyone is at the table.

Life is crazy.
I am Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I have two faces.

party girl. grieving widow.
happy daughter. suicidal puppet.
survivor. murderer

They say that you cannot be just one person after a suicide. that you cannot be expected to be normal, or okay.. that you just have to breathe and live day by day. But this isnt living. this is holding on to something that you arent even sure if you buy into anymore. its like keeping that expensive pair of prada pants that you bought two seasons ago that are a bit too snug now. you want to keep them (maybe?) because they were expensive and you worked hard for them... but at the same time you just kNOW that you will never be able to fit into them again. that you have permanently changed... and you really dont need to keep them around.

it has been quite a while since my last entry. I have been doing my best to run like hell from everything that is killing me. The urge to just finish it gets stronger every day. I am trying to stay consistent with my meds... i know they help me...but it is hard. i cant seem to get on a regular schedule these days, i think i am right now taking half my recommended dosage because i forget to take them at night. I have spent every day since my last entry constantly running. I spend about 4 hours after work at Ruby Tuesday's drinking and talking to strangers. i sober up enough to drive the half hour home and then try to fall right asleep. Ken and I have gone out both weekend nights while i dance and try to stay active. I have prettymuch isolated myself from everyone in nashville. its hard, but i cant seem to make myself go. i just cant. i wrote everyone a few days ago and explained what was going on. some understood and some didnt, i am sure. it doesnt matter anymore.

I went out on friday to this lame ass bar that plays decent music to dance to and ended up meeting a guy that i went to college with, which happens to be like being struck by lightening because i went to school so far away, and there wereonly like 1000 students there at the time, we were in the same graduating class. it was strange. i think he was picking up on me, but not sure.  he called once to aske me to dinner and i couldnt.

at ruby's i met this guy named lee. he is military, but 34 and going to be a drill sargent. he is very nice and i have been spending alot of time with him. i told him flat out that i wasnt doing this to date, or to hook up, i just needed a friend with whom to have fun and hang out. i wanted a big brother, so that is what he has become. he makes comments about wanting to hook up, and having a relationship while he is gone and it just is NOT going to happen. you were so worried when i said i was coming to work here again that i would hook up with some redneck and leave you. baby, NEVER. no one will ever replace you. I miss you more everyday. that is why i have been drowning all these emotions, why i cannot face the fact that you are gone. (i cant even say the d*ad word... its just too final) I have been thinking alot about killing myself lately. everyday it seems more and more right. i am fighting it the best i can because i am scared of what comes after. i feel like hamlet. he wanted to die so badly. he wanted to be free of the mortal coil, but at the same time, he was frightened of what came after. "ah, to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream"

people say that you are in heaven and happy, and i believe that... i have to, but at the same time my faith in God i think has pretty much died. not pretty much, it is gone. i dont want to die to be with you, and not be able to BE with you. i am so scared.

i i go to hang out with lee at night, we drink, but i dont get drunk... i cant be hung over at work the next day, and i dont want a dui... and halfway through every night i get sad. the avoidance just doesnt work. you are too much a part of me to be pushed back. on the way home every night i cry.
Ipass by lowes every night... and think about shopping. after reading on all the ways to commit suicide... you were so smart baby. carbon monoxie is painless, it left you looking like you were sleeping and it is quick. I found a book that covers all aspects and it basically tells how to do it if you truly want to, and how to stage an attempt to get attention for help.
the best way for me to go by carbon monoxide is simple. you go buy a tiny grill or hibachi and get charcoal. light the charcoal and let it burn, once theflames go way down you close yourself up in your car and go to sleep. it should work in around 20 min. i would have to take several of my sleeping pills so that i fell asleep before i did it, so that i wouldnt feel anything strange. I know the option is always there.

i am not doing so well chad. you are my light. my light is gone. i want you to come back home. i want to feel your arms around me and hear you tell me that you love me. i want to take DAy to the mall and buy her christmas presents. i want you to tell me that i should get strong because when we have twins there will be alot of packing little kids around. why did you have to go and die on me?
I dont have any comfort anymore. i cant find life in anything.
i dont know what to do. I am just breathing and loving you. that is all i have right now. it is all i know.
i love you

I just got in from going out tonight. there is lots to tell you but i will keep it short. I am drunk. I met someone that went to college with at the BAR, and we both know how far away i went to college. He was nice, but Chad, I cant live like this without you. I dont want this shit anymore. I miss you and need to be with you more than i need to be here. I love you. i wishi you could come back to me. I miss you.

I am really scared right now. I dont know what to do.
Things are getting much worse. I want to hurt myself. I cant get past this feeling of wanting to slit my wrists or bash my head in somehow. I dont know what is going on inside my head. I dont feel anything but this need for PAIN. i have already cut my arm a couple of times... the only thing i have here in the office is a pair of sharp scissors... i want to just stab or something but i am scared. I feel totally crazy right now. I dont know where this is coming from... the only thing that could make it okay is talking to chad and that isnt going to happen. i have tried to call jen but she isnt home and isnt answering her cell phone.
I dont want to be around tomorrow. i dont want to go on another day. this life is useless and i dont want it anymore. i could go to lowes and find that little grill and some charcoal. i read that it is the best way to do it. but it wouldnt hurt. i need to hurt right now.
why is this happening. i HATE everything. i am so angry i just want to get into a fight so someone will kick the shit out of me. mom totally pissed me off and hurt my feelings... i hate my job, i hate my life i want to be with chad and have all this shit over with.
i dontknow what to do. i cant live with this in me. i dont know if i want to end it... i am scared but i cant do this anymore.
chad where are you? why did you have to kill yourself and leave me like this. i cant do this without you. it has sent me into madness. i havent been here since i was 19 and i cant do it again. i dont have enough meds to take and swallow. it would just make me sick. what the fuck do i do?

Just go easy on me, Im feeling out of order. nothings quite the same now, as it ever was before him. now youre looking at me, with one of those sideways glances. say im givin up too much, and takin too many chances... but i wont believe you now, i gotta check this out, and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise...your just tryin to be a friend, i know the message is well meant, but none of it does compare to his eyes...
just go easy on me, im feelin out of order...

I have spent the last week avoiding the issue.
I have spent the week with my family. I stayed because i was so busy, so many things to do for don. I have tried to drown myself in my work. I have stayed comfortably numb lately... until friday. Friday I was at work when mom called, saying that she was looking at a little kitty newborn alone in stevie's yard. long story short she was abandoned and would have died had i not taken her. i took her to the vet to get some milk replacement and an eye dropper. she was half the size of my palm literally. she was a SCRAPPER. so strong, yelling and crying. I fed her one good meal and she went to sleep. DON threw a FIT. threatened to walk out on mom had i kept the cat. my plan was to take in the kitty as my own. she would have had to have been fed every 4 hrs, kept at 90 and taken very good care of. i was so excited. I named her October. It was in honor of you. I found her on halloween, she was black and orange (her mommy was part manx) and you wanted me to have a kitty so badly. so i named her for october because it was the month you left. and her middle name was todd. October Todd. funny name for a girl, but she was special. I stayed up with her on halloween night. i rocked her and held her, making sure she was warm. she got really weak around 1am. barely would cry didnt fight or eat. she died wrapped up around my neck at 4am. she was the sweetest and cutest kitty i had ever seen. i blame myself. did i not keep her warm enough? did i doze when she needed me? did i feed her too much and put milk in her little lungs? i had to do something. why does everything die on me? why two things that i love in one month? i wrapped her in the soft shirt she had slept in and put her in a small zippered pouch that mom brought for me to bury her in. she was curled up on her side and wrappped up with her little head out. i couldnt let mom take her... she needed to be cuddled and held and kept warm. i slept with her that way until around 9. curled up in my arm. i hope she knew that i tried. i hope she felt loved and warm even though her mommy abandoned her.

Well Babydoll...
Happy 4.
Today would have been a really good day for us. a special day, but that was the sunday you left me. I am remembering you today...loving you as always. I went to bible study last night and i realized the only reason i went. Right now I am having a total crisis of faith. All my faith that God is there is just about gone. I have written it in earlier journal entries but i truly wonder if all this faith in God and that there is a heaven is just humans looking for comfort in the mystery of death. I am so afraid that I will never see you again. that we will never be together again. Why should I keep going... why should I praise when everything that I loved is gone? I just dont know.
I went last night because i really needed to talk to Bob. I went to class and just about cried the whole time. I felt so isolated from everyone... like they all had this false sense of security and fabrication of a being that might not be real and I was just left in stark reality of loss. it was really hard to sit there. I had this really really strong need to stay and talk to bob, almost crying in need of it so badly. After class i wasnt sure if i could do it... but all during the class bob was looking at me... he knew what was going on... If there is a God, he has given him that gift. I asked him if he had some time and he said "of course".
I went up to his office and we sat and talked for an hour and a half. I will just give you a brief synopsis of the conversation... because if i get going with the whole thing I will just get lost in words. basically i told him that i was having a crisis of faith. that despair and loss had taken over. i missed you SO badly, and i was afraid i would never see you again. I was wondering if God really was there... if we werent just looking for hope when there was none. i was also worried that if there was a god and i didnt belive for a while, when i figured out the truth would i go to hell? He really surprised me by saying that He would be shocked if I DIDNT feel this way. that it was totally normal. That many christians never get to this point, and they are at a loss for not having reached it. He says that in the end i will fall back in christs arms, but for now it is a personal journey and something only i can fight and go through. he said not to be afraid, that i wouldnt go to hell, that it happens and i will learn from it. that i have a right to be angry and hurt. he talked about how he has NO temper, never gets angry and lately he has had road rage, had to leave the house several time so as not to yell at anyone. That your death has affected him. he gets tired of people asking him how he is... it reallyl surprised me, i guess that i had always looked at bob as more than human or something. It may sound odd, but i found comfort in the fact that he is affected too. I told him that i was afraid it was all an illusion and that i never would get to see you again. i started crying...and he told me that I WOULD see you again. we talked about how it is so easy to doubt you right now. that you left us behind. he told me that logically my loss of faith stems from your death. i knew that, but i didnt understand the mechanics of it... but it goes like this. YOu told me that you love love, that you would ALWAYS be around and that you would ALWAYS love me... and then you kill yourself. that naturally i am going to doubt what you say. now i never ever doubt that you love me... ever... but its like, wasnt I enough? did you not love me enough to stay with me?... and since you left me even though you loved me... what about God?? nothing feel certain. and that made such sense to me.
Bob also is such a comforter. he told me that we had never talked about this but he talked about us. he said that you have been with ALOT of women. there have been uncountable numbers in the 10 years that you lived here....most were either sex buddies or drinking buddies (he actually said that) but I was the first person that had ever come into your life that loved you for YOU.  he honestly believes that i am the first person to ever truly love you. I think that is the truth. he also said that in all this time no woman had ever made you happy like me. that he really thought that things were going to change for you, because you had found love, God and working on a family, but you just made a mistake. The fact that bob knew we loved eachother... the fact that he knew how badly i hurt meant alot. he then said that he knew that it took an effort to walk through the door. that it was hard for me to be here without you. and it is true. i am half and half. half of me is tied to anything you touched... and half is so sad to walk the halls where you lived, to go and have class and sit in the chair where you should be sitting beside.
Right now it is blank and empty. i believe in nothing. all i can do is hope to heal even a little. all i can do is hold on to my love for you. all i can do is hold on. i just wish i were holding on with you.