I come back after a long break.
These things called holidays are no longer a source of joy for me. I did my best to stay away from thoughts of you. Didnt work of course, but I tried. Thanksgiving has come and gone, along with christmas and new years and i am still here. I didnt call your parents OR your brother over the holidays... iwant to wait until they totally pass and i can call for no specific reason.
It has killed me not to be able to see Day. I know that Marnee would never let me call or talk to her so i dont even try.
I have not been regular on my meds and sleeping is becoming difficult again. I have been drinking too much and have been constantly sick to my stomach. Puking is becoming a common occurence.
At Jen's house before everyone arrived for new years she made a toast to you. We wished you would have been there with all of us. I got to show your pictures to Greg. He wanted to see what you looked like and was proud that I had such a hot boyfriend. ;)
Life has been like a movie. I feel underwater all the time, everything happens in slo-mo. I really am lost.
I dont even have the will to write in this journal.
I miss driving to your house.
I miss looking over at you to check on you and catching you looking at me. I miss the bites and the kisses.
I miss carting Day all over the mall and finding cute clothes i wanted to dress her in. I miss knowing that I had you to come home to.
I am looking for kitties to adopt when i move into my apartment. I will be moving in late feb or early march. I am not moving in with Ken. I need to be alone. I found a two bedroom apartment that is perfect. Work is hard. I make mistakes often but i am trying. I have no accounting experience and am thrust into the work, but i will catch on.
I havent been able to keep up with much in my head lately. I lose my keys, i lock myself out of the office and i have lost my phone. I cant remember names or dates... your death has placed me into a category with someone with alzheimer's.
I am still losing weight. Not being able to really keep down any food is making eating difficult.
I spent the holidays with no one. my family isnt very happy with me... they are ashamed that you killed yourself. I got alot of things, but this year they just dont really mean anything or make me excited. I would love to move to nashville,dye my hair black, cover myself with brands, and tattoos and piercings and speak of death. I am pretty much black inside. I drink, or hide or get angry to make myself feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING but missing you. There are moments when i feel like i am okay. i know that i feel empty, like a shell, but not sad... and i feel guilty for those moments, and then out of the blue i fall through the cracks and become nothing.
I remain hopeful that one day i will be human again. one day i will be able to live and love the time i had with you and know that there are more good times to come. right now i intellectually know it could be possible, but my heart knows differently.
I am alone, baby. I dont need ken anymore. he is too different a person from me. i am through. i cannot help him anymore either. i am empty and useless inside and will only hurt him. my usefulness to him has run out and he is better off finding a true friend as i dont have anything left to give.