My life has become surreal in my eyes. I live in this little mini-movie made for sci-fi tv but got sold to lifetime somewhere along the way. Fucked up combination, I know.
I look back on my life, on the people that I have been... the girls, the sluts, the hard-core i-can-do-it-myself chick, the flirt, the artist, the actor,the dancer, the lover... all of these people that I have tried on for size. How do we do it? I never realized I was such a chameleon, a shape-shifter.... never really being who I truly was until Chad came along. I had to reach the age of 26 before I found a comfortable skin. What do you do when one person gets to see who you REALLY are... bad, good, scary, pyscho, amazing.... what do you do when you finally find that skin, and find that person that LOVES that skin and accepts it as YOU and then they die? I havent figured out if I became that person first to "catch" him, or if through his eyes I found what I really was.
I think being around him made me comfortable, I think that i was finally safe to be exactly who i needed to be and he loved it. I think that is what happened. I could get mad over really stupid shit, I could be jealous, i could be totally loving and accepting of things in his past that others would have told me to leave him for. You finally find that fit... that person that you know will be in your life until death do you part... that person that isnt a psycho love, that person that you know is "the one" because its just right. you find it and then he kills himself.WHAT???? what the FUCK???? noooooo, that shit doesnt happen, right? well you know what... it DOES happen. I have had to accept the fact that it DID happen. That he isnt just on his trip to Shropshire with his band and I wasnt able to go with. I have to accept the fact that i didnt just move to another town to work for a bit and will be coming home to our home together soon. I have to accept the fact that i will never be able to see his daughter again as long as Marnee keeps her from me.
The question of the hour is WHAT THE FUCK Do i do now? I know now that It is okay for me to be who i really am... but that person was for chad. he was the only one who i wanted to give all of me to. my friends are amazing, but i wanted him to have EVERYTHING. Now its like that person wants to die with him... i think that best part of me SHOULD die with him... because he made it okay for me to be so. What do I do?
I have accepted the fact that I am too scared most of the time to just kill MYSELF so that i dont have this pain, too scared to end it and hope to be with him in heaven. I keep thinking that I can make his life worth it. He loved me... the love of his life... so if he loved me THAT much... i should just keep living because he wants me to. I dont know... everything is so jumbled. I have so many things that i need to talk out... so many things that i have to sound out on this stupid page so that i can make sense of what this is all about... how to deal... if you will.
I want nothing more than to be at work and have the phone ring, and it be you. One last phone call to tell me that you love me and miss me. One last time to tell you all the things that I didnt get to when you made your last call before you died. I would give anything for 5 more minutes. You robbed me of marriage and children with you. You loved me and gave me hope and happiness and then left me to want you for eternity.
God, Chad, I miss you. Its just not fair.
Baby,what do you want me to do?
I have accepted the fact that I am too scared most of the time to just kill MYSELF so that i dont have this pain, too scared to end it and hope to be with him in heaven. I keep thinking that I can make his life worth it. He loved me... the love of his life... so if he loved me THAT much... i should just keep living because he wants me to. I dont know... everything is so jumbled. I have so many things that i need to talk out... so many things that i have to sound out on this stupid page so that i can make sense of what this is all about... how to deal... if you will.
I want nothing more than to be at work and have the phone ring, and it be you. One last phone call to tell me that you love me and miss me. One last time to tell you all the things that I didnt get to when you made your last call before you died. I would give anything for 5 more minutes. You robbed me of marriage and children with you. You loved me and gave me hope and happiness and then left me to want you for eternity.
God, Chad, I miss you. Its just not fair.
Baby,what do you want me to do?