I havent posted in Road 2 Healing survivors group in a while.. but I have been e-mailing Amy. Amy is an awsome girl, you would really like her. She lives in cleveland and has a little boy by Ryan, her boyfriend who committed suicide. She jumped right into a relationship with her ex before ryan about 2 weeks after his death.She is feeling really trapped right now with wanting to end the relationship because she just needs time to heal and focus on missing ryan. She really validated alot of the mixed emotions i have been having since you left. I also got a letter from Pat the woman who moderates the group explaining alot of the reactions and things that happen when people grieve. I realized that it is normal that i am blocking you out and i am in shock. its really weird the way things are going. its like i am detached from all normal human emotions... you know how emotional and loving i was with you, i was easily hurt, angered easily and loved freely and now i am this automaton. its odd, but right now i realize it is what i am doing to survive. i look back on my past blogs and see how i was so engulfed and in the pain that i was about to do something really bad. i would have killed myself had i stayed where i was. right now this is what i am doing for self preservation.
I have been actively looking for male companionship. i havent figured out if i am just looking for sex or for attention. I make it clear that my boyfriend just died 3 months ago and that i am in a really odd place ... that i am not looking for a fuck buddy nor a boyfriend. its wierd, but somehow it keeps me occupied. This guy named kevin is taking me to dinner at virago and then dancing on friday. i think he thinks it is a date but i know that he is TOTALLY using it to get into my pants. he can try. who cares. if he is cute who knows, could let him spoil me and use him. good lord, i soundawful.
i worked my ass off last week and now the fruits are being reaped. don sees that i have been on the ball, things are totally caught up here, we just got paid one of our bad debts and i have time to breathe. its nice.
My uncle is a total case. He is in the middle of a divorce with the evil bitch Jami (she is JUST LIKE MARNEE baby!!! its fucking scary... i was scared that she was going to kill stevie just like marnee ruined you) the family is treating her with kid gloves because they dont want her to take Jakey bug away, but i say fuck her.. she is already fucking a married man and doesnt really want jake anyway, she is just using that as a tactic against stevie... she called last night and said she had to go to walmart and could stevie please come over and watch jake... why couldnt she just take jake? *answer, because she was out fucking JR knight) what a loser.
ALright, my hands are sore from typing. I am going to end this.
I miss you baby. I am using your cell phone right now until i buy a new one and iw as going through your call list and saw that i was the last number you ever dialed. I cried.
Watch over me...