Today has been strange. It has been 3 months and nineteen days since chad killed himself. It feels like an eternity longer. In this time i havent really felt lonely unless it was lonely for him. I havent missed relationships or that closeness unless it was missing that from HIM.
I met someone.
I have been fighting this amazing sense of guilt for my ability to block out and avoid what has been happening. SInce talking to Jennifer I realize that I am doing this as a safety mechanism, but the fact that i dont cry everyday anymore the fact that i try and make it through everyday living. I feel SO much guilt for that because I love chad so fiercely.He was the love of my life and i am trying to move on, isnt that wrong? Part of me knows it is not and the other part feels it is. I have only been sad for the loss of chad, for the loss of our love, for the loss of the relationship that made me SO happy. The thought of loving again, or living again hasnt even been in my head.
until now.
It has hit me like a ton of bricks. suddenly.
About 2 weeks ago i put in a personals ad on yahoo... (yeah, i know the whole internet dating thing is ridiculous... and i never expect to actually meet anyone... i really was just looking for affirmation from guys that i was still desireable...that and friends to hang out with)
SOmeone contacted me.... he wrote things that clicked with what i want.... very together, very beautiful... he is educated and mannered and lovely. We spoke a bit for about 2 weeks actually and decided to go to Zanie's last night for a comedy show. I was expecting to think he was unnatractive, a brute or bore or what usually happens... and to my surprise it was the opposite. We had a great time... we talked of politics, and the election, of dating, current events and eventually sex (of course... thats how it always goes with me... ;)
When i kissed him my heart stopped. he is very much like me and second dates dont come easily... and thirds almost never happen.
The scary fact is that i WANT to see him again. He writes such great e=-mails and his conversation is just as good. we have good chemistry. I am really scared. This is the first time that I have REALLY REALLY kissed someone since chad and meant it. the first time that i would want to go out on a DATE, that i would want something down the road.... I AM SCARED AS HELL....
He is recently divorced and likes being single but would rather be married. He lives about an hour and a half away... it is quite a distance... How could this work in the real world?
should i give into this want and let myself feel? should i stop it now because i have a feeling that i am going to want more, want it ALL with this man (if we continue to do well) and it probably wouldnt work? He understands about chad and is a perfect gentleman about it.
I didnt sleep with him, no under the clothes ANYTHING. we just kissed and touched... it was wonderful... I know that I am not ready to have sex with someone. Not with someone that I like... because my heart is on the perch of a ledge and just WAITING for someone to push it off to break it.... I am so fragile that i dont think i could make that fall.
I am going crazy because I want to talk to him. with chad it was so easy. we were attached at the hip from the very first date... after that we never spent more than 24 hrs apart.... he wanted to be with me and talk to me probably more than i was ever used to and it was amazing... i have to realize it wont be that way with anyone ever again.
I dont know... All i can say is D is a great guy... very very funny, very smart and gentle...and SO much fun to be around.... i would love to be just his very good friend...i just know that he is someone i want in my life... funny how if i know that right away with someone it is always a true impression.... its either a click or not (friend or otherwise) and i found someone with whom i have great chemistry. I just dont know. I just know that a part of me that i thought was dead is back... and while i missed it... i almost wish it were still gone, those worries, those wants were not there to hurt me or trip me up.
I didnt sleep with him, no under the clothes ANYTHING. we just kissed and touched... it was wonderful... I know that I am not ready to have sex with someone. Not with someone that I like... because my heart is on the perch of a ledge and just WAITING for someone to push it off to break it.... I am so fragile that i dont think i could make that fall.
I am going crazy because I want to talk to him. with chad it was so easy. we were attached at the hip from the very first date... after that we never spent more than 24 hrs apart.... he wanted to be with me and talk to me probably more than i was ever used to and it was amazing... i have to realize it wont be that way with anyone ever again.
I dont know... All i can say is D is a great guy... very very funny, very smart and gentle...and SO much fun to be around.... i would love to be just his very good friend...i just know that he is someone i want in my life... funny how if i know that right away with someone it is always a true impression.... its either a click or not (friend or otherwise) and i found someone with whom i have great chemistry. I just dont know. I just know that a part of me that i thought was dead is back... and while i missed it... i almost wish it were still gone, those worries, those wants were not there to hurt me or trip me up.