I am engrossed in you chad. You are everywhere I turn, every day has become that longing for you again. I did so well in running from you, from our memories, from our love... and now you are all I want. You are all i have wanted this whole time but have been trying to ignore the loss.
I brought out your afghan today, the one your mother made for you and then gave to me the day you died. It has been in storage in our attic since i came home. the thought of sleeping that close to something that smelled like you would have been too much. Chad, I picked up the blanket and you were THERE. It smells just like your room, just like you after work... my whole room smells of you now... i sleep with your pillow too. Chad I miss you SO bad. I LOVE YOU. Nothing that happens in the world now will ever be the same... no one will ever be you. no one will ever make me feel the way you do. There is so much going on in my life right now... so many things i am trying to figure out. I have started dating someone and we slept together last night. It was amazing, he makes me feel like a WOMAN... beautiful and special... so many things he does... but chad even with all of that... feeling like a woman for the first time will never be what I was when i was your girl. No one is going to love me like that, and im not going to be able to love like that again.
little snippets of our time together sneak up on me everday. things that make me smile, or laugh, or cry. Mostly cry.
I think of Day alot. Every little blond girl i see anywhere makes me think... IS THAT DAY??? can i hug her? Chad I miss her SO badly... I just want to hold her... to hug her. I want you back, i want our life back, i want our sundays together, and our weekends spent taking care of day or shopping or me waiting to get to you. I miss the ride home from work where i knew in an hour i would see you! I miss the calls during the day. I miss the anticipation of just getting to hug you. I miss the knowing that I had something special. I miss feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. I miss us.
Why do i have good days and why do days like today come back? Why do i just want to die, just to not wake up here, but to wake up with you?
Why didnt i see what you were going to do? Why didnt I make you KNOW how much i loved you that night... ithought you knew.. I DID... Why did i freak out when shannon came home and i helped her clean while you were sitting there knowing we were spending our last minutes together? WHY DIDNT YOU GRAB ME AND HOLD ME CLOSE AND NOT LET GO???? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME???
Im lonely and sad and scared and i need you... I just need you and you left.
Why would you leave people you love... i would have gone too... I just need to be with you again. If i could be with you i would be okay. If i could hug you, and sit with you at the box, if i could hold you close in the rain again... if i could just go back to that sunday and beg you to stay.