I just got home from a very long weekend. I want to keep this simple as i have so much going on in my head right now. Saturday I left at 7pm to head to Nville to have "girls night in" with the girls. We sat and drank vodka, watched the kings of comedy and basically bullshitted for a long time. Jump-off #1 as jen calls him (D) has said that he is dating a woman in his town and that he feels guilty for dating me too without her knowing. basically its not going to work... which is fine. i do have feelings for him, but im not dealing with that shit now. WELL i have jump-off #2. L is someone that i kinda hooked up with almost 2 years ago.... and we just recently got back in touch. we both are serious freaks and needed some fun. My friends would not let me meet him for a drink after i had been with them.. SO he came to the house... we proceeded to have sex in the guest bedroom. VERY FUN. I have turned to sex and attention to feel alive at this point... the pleasure numbs the pain of chad being gone. I dont have pretense that this is love or anything more than fulfilling a need. I hate myself for doing this but at the same time... i truly dont give a fuck.... Chad left me to deal with this loss and pain and i will do whatever i need to to take care of me. L hung around... the friends loved him and then he left. my friends are the most awesome in the world because they dont judge... they love and accept. They understand i am trying to find myself again.
D proceeds to text me not 15 min later talking about watching this girl dance at the bar he was in, and how he wished i was there to make her look like shit. I was bitter because i wanted to fall asleep with him but that wasnt going to happen.
the girls and i stayed up all night... leaving Sabrina's house at 11am and then going to korina's.  we sat at korinas, took showers etc... and talked some more... THEN... cantrell calls.
There is a huge backstory to cantrell. huge. i will have to go into detail later... but suffice to say that since his sister had a baby he has drastically changed from a commitment phobe to wanting to make his life complete and start a family. he has asked me out on a date... and called today to take me out to lunch. i was in shorts and tee and didnt have clean clothes so he came to the house. He held me and rubbed my back... kissed my forehead... we are very affectionate... he takes care of me... he sat and talked to us for an hour or so and then left. Something is there between us. always has been. a very good emotional bond and a great sexual one too. I am not sure what is happening. I dont know if this is going to turn into a dating thing or if this is going to stay along the line of lovers... who knows... i just know it was so good to see him. it was good to be held.  we are throwing him a birthday party next friday and i will see him then. he wants me to stay the night... wants to take me out on the town... and the next weekend we are going to the melting pot (fab restaurant) and out again... I somewhat feel guilty for feeling the way i do about him and just 6-7 hors before having sex with someone else... but i guess that goes alot of ways... I love chad.. he was the love of my life.. and yet i just fucked someone else... I am a mess. To say the least.
Cantrell looks at me differently. very warm.. he always has been.. but its more intimate, more caring... its odd... i just really have no idea what the fuck is going on. even Korina and Linda were like" you and cantrell were awful cozy and cuddly today"  the know we have spent alot of time together in the past and that i had strong feelings for him... I told them that i didnt know exactly what was going on... that he had asked me out last weekend and i wasnt sure what was up with him. Linda's exact words were..."he's looking for a baby's mamma"
Something with him would be welcome. comforting because he is an amazing man... but at the same time... it could be nothing. just our old patterns... we miss eachother alot and when we go for long periods without hanging out we get very clingy. I dont know.
I was thinking about it on the way home and very hard... when i had an epiphany that hits me all the time... reality check if you will. Cantrell is a great guy... but he isnt chad. No relationship is going to stack up to that. Cantrell couldnt love me like chad does. SO it really doesnt matter anyway.
I miss October. I thought about her for the first time ina long time today. She was so tiny. Just a baby and the cutest kitten i had ever seen. I wanted so badly to save her... and she died.. halloween. i am dealing with alot of guilt over her death. she was in a blanket and heating pad to keep her warm and while i dozed... (i set my alarm for every 2 hrs to wake up and feed her and check on her).... at 4am she cried reallypitful and while iwas asleep she crawled out of the blanket and got cold. she gave up. she died in my hands. If i had stayed awake maybe i could have saved her. I didnt want her to die. Is it my fault? The parallels between october and chad are scary... if i had known, if i hadnt been asleep when he called at 1030 maybe i could have known he was going to kill himself and i could have saved the love of my life... i just feel like its all my fault. I let both of them down.. I miss them both so badly. i thought october was my way of saving something. but i lost. i lost both of them. I really am not worth anything anymore.
I am sleeping around... I am doing really stupid things and making bad choices. I cant save my boyfriend or a kitten and  i just hurt.